Therapy Session Regular Pillows

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

'Tell me about your feelings of alienation.'

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"And then she said, 'You're wearing that to the psychiatrist?'"

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'I'm beset by self-doubt! BESET I TELL YOU!'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"Tell me..How do you feel about being abducted?"

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

"All he wants to do is chase me around the house!"

'No... you first.'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

"Dad, can you just ground me instead?"

"Your wife is here to shed some light on your version of the story."

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"

The baseball players psychiatrist.

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'