Therapy Session Pillows

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"Your wife is here to shed some light on your version of the story."

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

'Tell me, my dear — what's going on in that funny little head of yours?'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"And then she said, 'You're wearing that to the psychiatrist?'"

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'

In a twist on "It's A Wonderful Life," sometimes I wonder what the world would have been like if I HAD existed.

Interpreters.

"Tell me..How do you feel about being abducted?"

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?'

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'