Therapy Session Pillows

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"Your wife is here to shed some light on your version of the story."

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

'Tell me, my dear — what's going on in that funny little head of yours?'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"And then she said, 'You're wearing that to the psychiatrist?'"

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

Interpreters.

"Tell me..How do you feel about being abducted?"

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?'

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

"Dad, can you just ground me instead?"

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"

'No... you first.'

"All he wants to do is chase me around the house!"

The baseball players psychiatrist.

Man to patient on couch: 'I'd like to help, but I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm an upholsterer.'