Therapy Session Regular Gifts

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

'Tell me about your feelings of alienation.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"And then she said, 'You're wearing that to the psychiatrist?'"

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

In a twist on "It's A Wonderful Life," sometimes I wonder what the world would have been like if I HAD existed.

'I'm beset by self-doubt! BESET I TELL YOU!'

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

"Tell me..How do you feel about being abducted?"

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

"All he wants to do is chase me around the house!"

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

'No... you first.'

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

The baseball players psychiatrist.

"Your wife is here to shed some light on your version of the story."

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"