Therapy Irony Fan Gifts

'Don't worry, Ma'am -- we'll do everything for him that psychobabble can do!'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

"Teach me not to care."

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

"Why do you feel like you're lost?"

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

Sardine psychologist.

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."

'I may not really need you. My imaginary friend is a psychiatrist.'

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"This obsession of yours about becoming a car mechanic..."

"No heroic measures."

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

Can I take your disorder?

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."

Cut out and keep your own Freud.

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

'Extreme acupuncture.'

"You've got a few screws loose."