Therapy Comedians Gifts

"Last week, when I was telling you about my Lou Ferrigno dream, were you fighting off a yawn? Do you go to therapy? What would you do if I touched your ear? Yes or no—am I insane?"

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"You're completely screwed up."

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

"How long have I had what problem?"

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

Computer help.

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

'The Neurosis Pack.'

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.

"My brother is always trying to one-up me. As soon as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said he had tripolar disorder."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."