Therapy Chortler Gifts

How's your mood this week, Al? I'm happy as a clam, doctor. Great. Let me ask you something: The last time you saw a clam, how happy did he appear to be?

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'Look, you can only do so much!'

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

Licensed Therapist

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"I dunno, I guess I just don't believe in myself anymore."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Woman and pets with hair sticking straight up all enter Stress Management Clinic.

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"Postwar is hell."

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

The trauma of losing.

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"So the white whale was really just a metaphor for your mother's lack of affection?"