Theatre Humorist Gifts

'It's a Drama right? I would be great for the part: I can cry on command!'

Hagen

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

I will study my speling words...

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

"When is my next parole hearing?"

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

Outer Space Outsourcing

Dog Walking Services

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'You say 'dead.' I say 'low maintenance.''