The Reluctant Shopper Pillows

'It's been raining all day. There's nothing to do.'

"It's black, but it's not New York black."

'C'mon! Speed it up! I've got a bottle of wine here that says it's meant to be drunk soon!'

Mall Directory: You are here, but your mind is somewhere else.

Down on Her.

'I'm sure they make it up in volume.'

Cash Rebate

"I got napkins, family photos, and the strongest lip balm in the city."

'No, officer, I'm not a homeless beggar. I'm just waiting on my wife while she's shopping.'

'I don't want to go school shopping! Can't you just buy stuff for me?. . .Just get me more of this in the next size up!'

"Frank's gone fishing, and he'll be looking forward to a fish dinner."

'Midnight Galas, dinner at the Captain's table, the Swinging Singles Bar, exotic tropical nights... if I may say so, Miss Winslow... this cruise is you!'

End Of Consumer Confidence Sale

Why men hate shopping.

"We save all the original packaging in case we have to return something."

'I don't CARE if they were marked down 35 percent. That set of drapes goes back to the store!'

Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.

"Honestly, I think this was a waste of money."

Coming soon: The Garden of Eden Shopping Center.

'No Wallmart...No Target...No mall...How can you call this paradise?'

'Mom says if you're going to buy anything online,I'm supposed to make sure it's a secure site.'

Very little fan fair.

Which magazine?

'It's the only way I can get him to help me with the shopping.'

"I'm looking for something special that says 'Meow.'"

'I was going to buy myself a new outfit today, but I'm meeting pockets of resistance.'

'We'd rather not let you withdraw any money, Mrs Everhart - our computer thinks you'd just waste it.'

"We're closed!"

"I'm not investing a penny into the high street!"

'The Ridiculous Slippers Shop'

Supermarket - 'Buy One, Get 5kg Of Packaging Free'

'Call me when you invent the warranty.'

Incredibly Inexpensive Security Systems' advertise 'Pretty Good Set Ups. 1/2 the price, 2/3 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional break-ins.

'Is everything made in China these days?'

"It's very me, but I hate myself."