The Lazy Snacker Gifts

"I was too anxious to sleep, too sleepy to work, and too lazy to go to the kitchen."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Yeah, my life flashed before my eyes!...OK, it was food - all the food I've ever eaten flashed before my eyes."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"I was going to share my cookies with teddy, but he's on a diet....so I had to eat them all."

Breakfast surreal.

'I would kill for a truffle.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

Well, O.K., so you found fast food, but what's the hurry?

'I don't care what the timer says - my nose says they're done.'

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'The movie started 40 minutes ago.'

'Guys! Check this out - Reindeer Chow in the satellite dish!'

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

"The very thought of exercise does that to him. I guess that's why it's called cross training."

"I don't think you'll still be that 'Zen' when I tell you someone's nicked your cheese and pickle sandwich from the fridge."

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

This movie cost $300 million and you're surprised by the price of popcorn?

Don't lie to me

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

Book Burp

And so begins another evening of serious hobnobbing

"Gracie, you can't leave Animal Crackers all over the place!"

His condition is known as Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

'Are you genetically modified? - Then you'll love our G.M. food.'

The Red Cat: Art/Dial a Mouse/The Early Bird.