Self-aware Snacker Gifts

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"5 chocolate brownies, 3 banana muffins, 4 caramel cookies and one cappuccino - skinny."

Champagne

'Are you sure these sprouts aren't GM?.'

'I would kill for a truffle.'

Breakfast surreal.

"Alexa, tell me ways I can be less of a lazy slob who won't get up to turn off the lights."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Wow, you've got to try this combination."

"I wonder how many Facebook likes I'll get."

"They're boulettes de viande. They're meatballs. They're balls of meat."

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"I wanted crisps but this assessed my body mass index and gave me an apple ..."

Cookie Thief

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

The four major food groups.

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'I think you're going to love it! Our award-winning chef microwaved them to perfection.'

'Cambridge dons of electrical engineering find a way to do toast without going to the buttery.'

New beef chart.

Supermarket Aisles.

"I'm fairly sure you can't count jaffa cakes as one of your five a day."

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

"Aw. I thought you said Pizza tonight."

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'My wife has me on a very strict diet so I need a safe place to store my binge foods.'

"I don't think you'll still be that 'Zen' when I tell you someone's nicked your cheese and pickle sandwich from the fridge."

"The only thing healthy in this corporate culture is the yogurt in that snack machine."

Green Cross Code: Avoid cars, avoid meat, avoid fur.

Don't lie to me

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

'The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it!'

'If I collapse there's a cherry danish in my lunchbox.'

'Is the mouse free-range?'