Thanksgiving Dramatist Gifts

'I know one thing about pilgrims. Their mothers picked out their clothes.'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

Happy Turkey Day!

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

The Perfect Foil

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

"Wait a minute- these are just the ten commandments of perfect mashed potatoes."

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

Turkey Autopsy

"Never say you're stuffed!"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'When they start calling you a splendid bird, you know you're in trouble.'

'After you with the camouflage.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

Ineffective Turkey Disguises

"He bought a thermometer for me, and I'm not even sick."

Toast with faces popped up from toaster.

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"A reading from the ax of the apostles."

"Those giblets are gonna have to come out."

"What will change my life?"

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

"You should join us for Thanksgiving."

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."