Telehealth Enthusiast Pillows

'The doctor doesn't actually see patients any more, but you can call his 900 number.'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'I hope you don't mind me bringing a few medical students in to see you. '

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"Yes, of course you can have a second opinion — ask Siri."

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

"The patient handed me this 'wearable technology' and said 'all the answers are on there'."

"I'm referring you to a doctor with different software."

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

"The doctor will see you now. Look up at the surveillance camera and tell her what hurts."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

"I'm not sure the extent of it really comes across in a Zoom consultation, doctor."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"My telemedical nutritionist calls it surprisingly smooth, with a fruity bouquet rendered more enticing due to a hing of cassis and touches of bell pepper aroma."

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be DEAD!"

'I'm getting lonely – my patients are getting their prescriptions online instead of visiting me.'

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'

"I'm in my doctor's telemedical waiting room!"

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."

'OK, now cough...'.

"This remote doctor visit is just like the real thing. I've been waiting 35 minutes and I still haven't seen the doctor."