Telehealth Aficionado Pillows

"The doctor will see you now. Look up at the surveillance camera and tell her what hurts."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'I hope you don't mind me bringing a few medical students in to see you. '

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"Yes, of course you can have a second opinion — ask Siri."

Hold on - it may take a few minutes for his new pacemaker to sync with his Fitbit.

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

"The patient handed me this 'wearable technology' and said 'all the answers are on there'."

"I'm referring you to a doctor with different software."

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

"I'm not sure the extent of it really comes across in a Zoom consultation, doctor."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"My telemedical nutritionist calls it surprisingly smooth, with a fruity bouquet rendered more enticing due to a hing of cassis and touches of bell pepper aroma."

"I find her remarkably attractive."

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be DEAD!"

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

Going to a split screen doesn't count as a second opinion, doctor.

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

'I'm getting lonely – my patients are getting their prescriptions online instead of visiting me.'

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

I'd like you to get out more.

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

"I'm in my doctor's telemedical waiting room!"

"This remote doctor visit is just like the real thing. I've been waiting 35 minutes and I still haven't seen the doctor."

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."

'OK, now cough...'.