Telehealth Pillows

"Yes, of course you can have a second opinion — ask Siri."

'I hope you don't mind me bringing a few medical students in to see you. '

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

"I've already go t a diagnosis from homedoc.com..."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

M.D. We call it "MySpace Wrist." Stop taking pictures of yourself.

Bones Reunited

"The doctor will see you now. Look up at the surveillance camera and tell her what hurts."

"I'm working remotely from home...I have a gallbladder, 2 appendectomies, a colon resection and playgroup at 3."

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I'm not sure the extent of it really comes across in a Zoom consultation, doctor."

"My telemedical nutritionist calls it surprisingly smooth, with a fruity bouquet rendered more enticing due to a hing of cassis and touches of bell pepper aroma."

"I can't take the zoom lifestyle for one more minute!"

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

"Everything I see looks like a website captcha. I'm either having vision problems, or I'm spending too much time online."

Psychic Dating Hotline

"I really want to thank you for these great telepsychiatry sessions, doctor. The format lends itself to easing my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy around others."

Annual meeting of the American Telemedical Association.

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

Going to a split screen doesn't count as a second opinion, doctor.

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

'I'm getting lonely – my patients are getting their prescriptions online instead of visiting me.'

I can't handle too much change so I'm reading a four-year-old magazine while waiting for my telemedicine appointment.

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

'I'm a stay-at-home teleradiologist.'

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

I'd like you to get out more.

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'

"We've seen a lot of this in 2020... It's called 'Zoom Face'."