E-health Aficionado Pillows

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

Man Gives Computer Therapy/

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

"No, I'm not able to transplant your computer's antivirus software into your body. Try washing your hands more often."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

Hold on - it may take a few minutes for his new pacemaker to sync with his Fitbit.

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

"The patient handed me this 'wearable technology' and said 'all the answers are on there'."

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"The doctor will see you now. Look up at the surveillance camera and tell her what hurts."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be DEAD!"

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

Going to a split screen doesn't count as a second opinion, doctor.

'It has been one of those days when every patient has read the same medical article in Reader's Digest.'

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

"Well, if you followed me on twitter, you'd already know your diagnosis."

I'd like you to get out more.

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

I think the doctor will agree with me on this, Sir, you have Elephantitis!

'I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I've either got...'

Man waiting in line to self scan himself at a hospital.

'The doctor doesn't actually see patients any more, but you can call his 900 number.'

'This is our low cal, low cholesterol, low fat model.'

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."