Teenage Comedian Pillows

"These gas prices are crazy! By the time I'm old enough to drive...I'll only be able to date girls who live within a 1-gallon radius."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

Boy bringing home an octopus in a fish bowl.

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

"I'm the Class Clown fish."

'I would love to run for class president, but I'm concerned about the vetting process. I once faked sleep during nap time in pre-school.'

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"And this is my oldest son I was telling you about. The one that eats like a horse."

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

'Grownups are stupid! How can you be good and have fun?'

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

"Dad, it's not a homing pigeon, just a canary on an elastic band."

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

'Going my way, gorgeous?'

"I'm the Grin Reaper."

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

Kid to other: 'It's been a crazy day. I caught a bug and tossed my cookies.'

Stand up comedy for four-year-olds.

A smart alec boy

"You can call me a sanitary engineer, but to me it's still taking out the trash."

'Boy squeezing a spot at boy squirting silly string'

'I can't play. I'm going 'Time Out Chair' shopping with my mom.'

'It's not fair 'Bogie'...they took away my video camera...did you ever hear them say anything about not hiding behind the shower curtain and filming visitors on the can?'

"Mom, I think I'm old enough to trade in my piggy bank for an ATM."

'I don't feel that bad.'