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Surroundsound

'Son, your mom and me are sick of bearing a capriciously, pubescent teenager. We decided to change you into a goldfish.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Three more years of high school."

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

'I'm just using this while my monster truck is in the shop.'

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

"Rosalie—your poor performance this year has reduced your parents' investment in you by almost seventy per cent."

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

'If you are here, you'll be late for gym class."

"Take it easy, honey. Beneath that terrifying rage is our twelve-year-old daughter. My GOD, when will the wi-fi go back on?!!"

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

'I know we're not 'almost there,' but I keep asking just to keep her focused.'

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

"Wet wipe?"

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

We're waiting to see if he'll see his shadow.

'Son, your teacher told me that you're having trouble focusing and other things that I zoned out on...'

'But Mom, can't I just skip puberty and go straight to mid-life crisis?'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

'Eddie's mom has nerves of steel. She didn't send me home 'til almost four.'

'Well, Mr. 'Let's get him a fish they're no trouble at all,' you're on.'

"I'm afraid you suffer from 'Teen Traumatic Stress Disorder.' Once your kids grow up, it'll go away."

"I thought we talked about this."

"Mummy's a bit grisly in the mornings. But after something to eat and a little nap, she's quite pleasant."

One shandy and two glasses of tap water please.