Tee-time Chatter Pillows

"Anyway, nice talking to you Shirley, I think there's some men waiting to tee-off."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

"Well, of course we married industrialists. All three of us were young and beautiful, and smokestack America looked like it would last forever."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

Mums coffee morning

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

Young girl asks young boy what time he wakes in the morning

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

Chris Evans

'...the next train arriving at platform one is the 10.45 fast service to orgasm central!'

Voting on their Seats

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'

'What's that supposed to mean!?!'

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

"Omigod, you have such a cute smile!"

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

"Doctor, I find you very easy to talk to."

Ramblers Association

"No, I've never been to the Hamptons, but I have been in hellish traffic."

'I've never been superstitious...touch wood'

'Did you see iPlayer last night?'

'Hello. You've reached the twenty-four hour toll-free hotline.'

"He said his first word today - pubbies!"

'I'm not concerned that coffee might keep me awake all night. I have credit problems that do that for me.'