Party Chatter Pillows

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

How Cartoonists Get Ideas

"I don't know if he's a great artist, but he's certainly annoying."

'Did you see iPlayer last night?'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Thanks mum, it's just what I always wanted!'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

'Are you in here tonight?'

"He left with two other slices of bread, turkey, bacon, lettuce and toothpicks. I think they went clubbing."

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

"I'd love to talk. I'm on a train!"

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

Voting on their Seats

"He couldn't sink that last putt, so now he's trying to drown it."

"I was like 'OMG,' and she was all 'No way', and I was like 'Yes, way', and she was...uh-oh, gotta run."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

Well look, I'm afraid I really must run...

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"No problem, B. J. I can talk and baste at the same time."