Technician Gifts

'We've simplified the control to 2 buttons - snooze and panic.'

"That metallic grinding means her throwout bearings are shot. She's backfiring through her carburetor. The tick indicates transmission trouble, and the smoke means she's on fire."

'We're almost fully automated now.'

"No, I'm just squeezing in a bit of work in between interruptions."

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

"I closed the window, but still nothing. Should I try closing the drapes?"

"You fix it by buying a new one."

'Not cars. here we're testing oblivious texters walking into walls.'

Call the tech. Our new video-conferencing equipment needs adjustment.

X-Ray and Mammagram

'Okay, the motorized rocking chair could use an emergency off switch.'

'Thank you Fenster. You gave us a real sense of the redundant banality of what we do here.'

'The sales department is complaining about product quality! Nothing has broken and no customers have needed anything new in months!'

Whatever the heck it is, it's built exactly to specifications.

'We need someone in here, like now.'

'No, you heard me right. I need my air conditioner fixed not my heater.'

'I think I found the problem.'

'Replaced by analytical software. I should have seen it coming.'

Digital or analog elevators.

"Broadband's down, technician's off sick, literacy software's kaput. I've had to give them books."

'On','Off', and 'Maybe' switches.

If machine fails to operate...

'We know. He's just fixing the antenna.'

'...If you don't believe me come and look! I'm telling you. There's a tiny black hole.'

'Twenty - seven 'D' batteries, please, and hurry!'

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

"Now just why do you think I would know how to fix the printer?"

'Being the first to experiment with the latest technology has its drawbacks.'

Smart Arse Meter

"Have you tried turning it on and off again?"

'All these delays...a thousandth of a second here, a millionth of a second there. We'll have to get the darn thing fixed.'

"OK, Mr. Johnson, after you take the computer out of the office toilet where you threw it, try rebooting..."

'Though you didn't actually attack the victim, your endlessly droning on about technical stuff did bore him to death.'

"I'll let it go this time, but from now on, you'd better make sure you're charged before you come to work."

Man says 'It's time to embrace new technology', computer replies: 'I'm not hugging you until you get these sticky notes off me.'