Technician Gifts

'We've simplified the control to 2 buttons - snooze and panic.'

"That metallic grinding means her throwout bearings are shot. She's backfiring through her carburetor. The tick indicates transmission trouble, and the smoke means she's on fire."

'We're almost fully automated now.'

"No, I'm just squeezing in a bit of work in between interruptions."

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

"I closed the window, but still nothing. Should I try closing the drapes?"

'Not cars. here we're testing oblivious texters walking into walls.'

"You fix it by buying a new one."

'Okay, the motorized rocking chair could use an emergency off switch.'

Call the tech. Our new video-conferencing equipment needs adjustment.

X-Ray and Mammagram

Whatever the heck it is, it's built exactly to specifications.

'The sales department is complaining about product quality! Nothing has broken and no customers have needed anything new in months!'

'Thank you Fenster. You gave us a real sense of the redundant banality of what we do here.'

'We need someone in here, like now.'

'No, you heard me right. I need my air conditioner fixed not my heater.'

'On','Off', and 'Maybe' switches.

'We know. He's just fixing the antenna.'

Digital or analog elevators.

If machine fails to operate...

'...If you don't believe me come and look! I'm telling you. There's a tiny black hole.'

'Replaced by analytical software. I should have seen it coming.'

'I think I found the problem.'

"Broadband's down, technician's off sick, literacy software's kaput. I've had to give them books."

'Twenty - seven 'D' batteries, please, and hurry!'

Here's your problem. You have an iPod.

Smart Arse Meter

'Though you didn't actually attack the victim, your endlessly droning on about technical stuff did bore him to death.'

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

"OK, Mr. Johnson, after you take the computer out of the office toilet where you threw it, try rebooting..."

"Now just why do you think I would know how to fix the printer?"

'All these delays...a thousandth of a second here, a millionth of a second there. We'll have to get the darn thing fixed.'

'Being the first to experiment with the latest technology has its drawbacks.'

"Have you tried turning it on and off again?"

'They've really advanced car software.'