Tech Ironic Pillows

Canadian Visa Application

"Talk nerdy to me."

"Blood pressure 210/140. Heart rate 185. Steps taken 29. Sedentary 9.5 hours. Calories burned 19. You da man! Oh, and you're out of pork rinds." "Our classics TV marathon featuring 'Gunsmoke' will continue after..." "The unfitbit"

"Why is it every time I need to go somewhere, the driverless car is taking itself for a spin?"

We need to see him because there's no satellite-based system to guide us on a trip down the path to enlightenment.

'Your car should run fine now. I reformatted the hard drive, increased the ram, scanned for viruses, updated the firmware, upgraded to this year's processor...'

Elon Musk in fly me to the moon

"He was much more effective in the field."

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"Sale. Save 100% of your energy by closing this website. Close now. No, thanks."

'Is that computer, down there, the one you were having problems with?'

Peep-A-Boo Spyware: 'Your Privacy is Our Eminent Domain!'

"We don't share your information with anyone. Plus, nobody listens to us anyway."

I hate getting ready for Y1K.

"Bloody GPS-plotter is going silly again!"

'Say, how can I convert this FAT file into a nice and small JPG?'

'My backup special...'

It's my manifesto on living "off the grid," mainly compiled from my blog, tweets and Facebook posts.

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

Everything will look perfectly flat...in your Realtek 2D glasses.

'Every time I step on the scale Alexa uses my weight for the joke of the day.'

"Your computer is fine. It's your brain that has a lot of useless programs on it. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with an uninstall button."

"Hey, it's the scouting virus! It doesn't affect your pc, it just makes you want to go camping!"

And for a mere £49.99 you can make it fully portable, sir.

"If I get this phone completed, fire will follow."

"You can just leave it on that crag, thanks."

America's Funniest Encrypted Passwords

"Look mate, I keep rebooting and nothing happens!!"

"The truth, the whole truth...so help me, Mr Gates"

Scandal about listening on Facebook

"Just need to check on my smart kitchen appliances - they tend to throw dinner parties when I'm not there."

"He was gold prospecting, but since he dropped his phone in the water, he's now phone prospecting."

Manual automation in the office.

"My computer keeps locking up. I thought 1990 was a good year to buy a computer!"

'You can swipe it as many times as you like, but that's not how a book works.'