Taxidermy Humorist Pillows

'I'm normally a leg man, but in your case.'

"You can access me by saying simply 'Agnes.' It is not necessary to add 'dot com.' "

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'R2-D2 is not in. Please leave a message after the beep-wheep-zip-booop ...'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Screen Time vs Book Time

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Driverless cars rage.

Glance Exchange

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

"How about a hand."

"The invention of taxidermy."

'What do you mean, I just flunked the Turing test?'

"Good heavens William, what have you downloaded off the internet this time?"

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

GO AHEAD ... MAKE MY DAY!

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'