Taxidermy Humorist Pillows

'I'm normally a leg man, but in your case.'

"You can access me by saying simply 'Agnes.' It is not necessary to add 'dot com.' "

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Screen Time vs Book Time

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Driverless cars rage.

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'What do you mean, I just flunked the Turing test?'

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

"The invention of taxidermy."

"It's just a tree."

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"Good heavens William, what have you downloaded off the internet this time?"

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

GO AHEAD ... MAKE MY DAY!

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'