Tax Code Comedian Pillows

'Instead of paying an income tax expert to do my return, I paid myself. What's wrong with that?'

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

Yes, they are all dependants."

'Do you remember the good old days when April 15 was the only 'fiscal cliff' people worried about?'

"Rapunzel,Rapunzel.Throw down your accounts for the last fiscal year!"

"Other folks have to pay taxes, too, Mr. Herndon, so would you please spare us the dramatics!"

"Well, I'm sorry. The 3 wishes I'm granting can't exceed the annual exclusion of $14,000."

'How about a windfall tax on baked beans?'

"I just asked to see his tax returns. It was supposed to be funny."

'Syllogisms won't do you any good here, Mr Aristotle.'

'I've figured out a way to lower your income tax...give you less income.'

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

'Even if we did skin you last year, you may not deduct your dermatologist bill this year.'

"On my taxes, I claimed my inner child as a dependent."

IRS, 'You filed your tax return two days late -- Why do you hate America?'

'Ah, I see you made £2,000 more for me this year.'

"And do you promise to love, honor, and cherish each other, and to pay the United States government more in taxes as a married couple than you would have paid if you had just continued living together?"

Ever sensitive about its image, the IRS tries a more service-oriented approach.

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

'He's testing my Hippocratic Oath. He wors for the IRS.'

Earl was obviously distressed, as he recounted under hypnosis how aliens had abducted him, and had their tax inspectors thoroughly examine his books.

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

"Actually we're one of the few businesses that enjoy VAT visits."

"Are you V.A.T. registered..?"

"Think of the raising of taxes as a motivational tool to go out and make more money."

'Historically, the population decline started when the Dodo Government introduced a tax on flying...'

Tax relief

"Stop saying, 'Capital,' Gaines."

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

"Here's a new bill to pay...intellectual property tax!"

'It only made sense for us to finally merge.'

"Do you have any receipts from this this 'alien abduction'?"

tax

"Bad debts, yes, but you can't deduct bad trips."