Tax Audit Pillows

'Keep a stiff upper lip, Mr. Haskins. That's all you get to keep.'

"Apparently, your only dependents are Ben & Jerry."

'Go ahead. Bring on your computers.'

IRS: 'You can't have it both ways!' 'But I don't want it either way!'

I checked with the Inland Revenue IT people, they're pretty confident a computer virus can not eat a paper tax receipt.

'Your money? -- does it or does it not have 'United States Treasury' printed on it?'

"Before we begin, would you like a prozac?"

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

Flat tax - equal burden?

'Honestly Bob, it's not that bad. If you can make as much next year as you did this year you'll be able to pay off your outstanding taxes for last year. That'll just leave the interest, the tax for this year and... my fees.'

Panama Papers Scandal

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

'I'd put it on the back burner, but the stove's been repossessed.'

"Seriously, do you expect us to believe you put on 143 feet a day in business travel?"

The IRS emptied my pouch.

Counting dollars

IRS Audit Section

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

'Due to recent staff cut-backs and consolidations, I'll be handling your death AND your taxes this year!'

"Other folks have to pay taxes, too, Mr. Herndon, so would you please spare us the dramatics!"

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

'How do you expect the Government to bail you out of your financial crisis if you don't pay your taxes?'

IRS agent to professor scrutinizing tax return under microscope: 'Still looking for that tax loophole, professor?'

'He's trying to persuade the Inland Revenue that it's a tax haven.'

You want an extension? Good heavens, man, we haven't even paid for Reagans boondoggles yet!

Tax Collector

'Watch what you admit to. He once tried to fine one of my clients for looking a gift horse in the mouth.'

'You think he overheard my last lecture on tax code revision?'

IRS, 'It might make you feel better if you just think of it as a negative entitlement.'

"Well, if it's a fairy story you want, here's a good one that arrived at the office today."

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'Do you honestly expect me to believe that fairy tale?