Audit Pillows

'I had no choice, his documentation was weak.'

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"I like the numbers on this company. They show a very impressive acquittal to conviction ratio."

'Watch what you admit to. He once tried to fine one of my clients for looking a gift horse in the mouth.'

'So far everything looks good, but feel free to confess anyway.'

"I just knew we had something in common: me, a vulture and you, auditing Carillion."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

In and Out Tray

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Stock market investment advice

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

The transparent safe box of Panama

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Department of efficiency and cost analysis.

'Honestly Bob, it's not that bad. If you can make as much next year as you did this year you'll be able to pay off your outstanding taxes for last year. That'll just leave the interest, the tax for this year and... my fees.'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."