Audit Enthusiast Pillows

"Oh boy, am I never glad to see you."

"I think we have a situation here -- the auditors closed with 'Ha Ha!'"

Accounting Department

When accountants carry out dawn raids.

'Do you want this set of books, or the set you keep in the broom cupboard?'

'Well, well. You made more money last year than you did the year before -- You people never learn, do you?'

IRS Audit Section

'I'm afraid you're going to have to reveal the exact extent of your economic clout, Mr. Fletcher.'

'We've gone through your books and we demand payment in cash.'

'It's a bet - If I don't take this next one down, I owe you a hundred bucks.'

'Your money? -- does it or does it not have 'United States Treasury' printed on it?'

"Making a truthful tax declaration is not exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to find a way to avoid trouble with the I.R.S., Higgins!"

Auditing the bureaucracy

"About your self employed expenses, do you do anything purely for pleasure?"

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

In and Out Tray

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

Stock market investment advice

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."