Tale Twister T-Shirts

"He'd torch the castle and I'd rescue the damsel."

Jack and the Beanstalk.

"So what's the moral of this tale?"

Burke and Hare and Hare

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

Fish talking about fisherman

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

"I don't have the lip for saxaphone."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

Grimm's Fairytales - Title Page

"Okay! Okay! It's a draw!"

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

Curtsey

fairy tales

Hanukkah tree

"I told you we should have had separate trials."

"No bouquet toss for this bride. She's shooting it out of a cannon."

"We can't put you in a Witness-Protection Program unless you actually witnessed something."

'I still have time for both work and family - thanks to cloning.'

Two cats making a heart shape with their tails

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

'I must admit, this family reunion hasn't really lived up to my expectations.'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'R.I.P. Van Winkle, just sleeping.'

I was able to get you a 2-book deal.

'Who needs a measuring tape when you've got an imagination?'

"Always exaggerate. It makes life seem more interesting."

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

"I have a movie plot idea... A girl is kidnapped at birth. She's threatened, oppressed, and lives in constant fear. Here's the twist - the kidnapper is only in her mind."

"No, wait. What if the cop character is the murderer, and the mobster guy is completely innocent?"

I guess Grandpa was once a wise king, too. He always says he does his best thinking on the throne.

'Because he was the one who had to milk her. That's why Jack traded the cow for a handful of beans.'

"Well, I was under oath, so I couldn't lie outright, but I'm a weasel of course, so I have a way with words..."