Tale-telling Trainer Gifts

"Could I have another machine? This man is reading a comic book."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

"When I first arrived, Young Master was always with me and Old Master didn't want anything to do with me, nor it's the opposite: Go figure..."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

Three lanes of traffic with the first two lanes crowded with turtles. The third lane (to the left) a couple rabbits speeding along without any traffic. An easy pass sign has carrots replacing dollars.

Horror Stories.

'You're doing a play in kindergarten?'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

Early accounting scandals.

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

"Let's try 'roll over.' We can come back to this."

"Simon, I'm not really interested in your juvenilia."

'Yeah. Yeah... Wolf, girl, grandma. I got the picture.'

'Do you honestly expect me to believe that fairy tale?

'The frog is deceased, Mr. Graham. You don't need malpractice insurance.'

'I bet he starts with a joke!'

"I got the cream, but the bulk of the old lady's estate is going to auction."

'And now for my William Tell shot.'

"When I was your age I would have snagged that before it hit the ground."

"My report on summer vacation. . . Book and movie rights are available for $1000 each."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"It's the dog."

"I kid you not, he shot that duck right over the middle of the lake and said 'fetch'! Do you have any idea how cold that water is?!"

I swear, we rode right through the town and my mistress Lady Godiva wasn't wearing a thing...

'It started off as stories I told my wife.'

'You know, I almost envy you sometimes.'

"Trust me, boss, he knows his pies...he just needs more retraining."

School of hard knocks: Mail box 'Knock-knock jokes'

'Tarzan'

"The quality of the writing is an embarrassment, it has no style, no fluency, no soul!"

"It's not for soaking your feet. . . it's a bed pan."