Tact Mishap Aficionado Pillows

'Some things are better left unsaid but I never know what they are until after I've said them.'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

Cranial-Metal Plate Surgery Centre

Man playing a harmonica on a exercise bike bores customers in a restaurant

"|For some reason, the boss is obsessed with my screen."

'I wish you'd told me your brother worked for the Mirror before we got him to do the wedding pictures.'

'No, Mr Zarynski...you've got the hospital gown on backwards.'

"Oh, sorry—I think I just butt-summoned you."

Magician hitting someone while performing a trick.

spellchecker

"Not dead, nonsense! According to the computer you are dead! . . . Please don't waste anymore of out valuable time and leave the operating room!"

'I can't turn it off.'

'Eject! Eject, eject eject!! Aw crimony. I've hit the button 6 or 7 times, Cap'n. And the darned CD still won't come out.'

A sporting gent practising for the hunting season.

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

Dyslexic Palm Reading

"The operation was a huge success, Mr. Smith, but we're going to have to open you up again - we appear to have lost a nurse."

"It might be a better trick if you didn't use see-through glass"

"The card you are thinking of is... the fifth of Jacks!"

'Ok, Ms. Feldman, it says on your chart that you were discharged yesterday.'

"Why is it that the laws of inevitability always seem higher on ladies day?"

Paramedic Mistakes.

"Call the inspector and tell him to cancel today, that something has come up."

CITY HOSPITAL, 'It's all right, officer -- I'm an outpatient.'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

Dr. Mooglum made two mistakes. First, he stuck the stethoscope on the patient's forehead, and secondly, he replaced the end with a suction cup.

'He accidentally brushed his teeth with hemorrhoid-shrinking cream.'

Broken hospital sign.

Sorry, you rolled off the table just as I was going in!

"Michael Bolton at Folsom Prison"

"Please excuse our new employee, sir--he used to work in the circus."

Two hunters and a near miss

'Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake.'

You are here but you should be here

"Oops, forgot.... I also have REALLY high blood pressure."