Taboo Tickler Pillows

'Has the old bastard gone to sleep yet?'

Concert Pianist.

"Hello coastguard, it's my husband, he's beached"

Piano Recital

"Maybe if I make myself inconspicuous I won't be called on."

"Eventually the instrument becomes an extension of your body."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'Apparently, my wine-tasting computer liked the '86 Haut Brion a bit too much - it didn't leave any for us.'

'I've been charged with evading jury duty.'

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

'I hate these purists who play Bach without any pedal'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

'That's a bit better. Persistence pays off - although, not as well as it did when I was your age.'

"I crossed the road, doctor and I loved it!"

Farmer to son: 'For heaven's sake Jeb! Get Bessie out of that tall grass now! Can't you see she's full of ticks?!'

"With religion and politics off the table, the only thing left to argue about is gluten."

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'

Emmanuel Ax

Predatory Pianos.

Concert pianist on his way to work.

"O.K., I'm going to demonstrate the proper way to lie to me about flossing."

"Clarence really knew how to tickle the ivories."

"I am trying to keep it low key."

Piano Shop.

'No-one can avoid cuts!'

"I've never been so insulted in my life! If my arms could reach, I'd slap your face!"

'Keep that dividing down!'

Trolley Rage.

Taboo Parlor Tattoo Parlor

'Kitchy, kitchy, kitchy-koo'

Necrophilia Laws Strictly Enforced.

"I'll see what I can do - Just how ticklish ARE you?"

'No wonder he never forgets. He has a bubble memory with a storage capacity of 360 megabytes.'

'That's nothing - I once nibbled a toe that was THIS big...'