System Satirists Pillows

Careers Advice - 'What kind of benefits are you interested in claiming?'

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

'Before you can enter, you need to punch in the verification code so we can be certain that you're a real soul,'

"Biff's old money, Angelo is new money and Boris is funny money."

At the 2021 Religious Games

"Now you can send it."

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'Sure, I'm a working mother - is there any other kind?'

'I don't like reading on screen, so I'm printing the internet to look at it later.'

'for more obit info, go to...'

"Oh, say you can't see, any conflicts of interest in me! What's good for my brand, is now the law of the land! And the crooked media's nasty glare, my killer tweets bursting in air... Gave proof to the news cycle, that I'm so awesome it's almost unfair!..

Antiwar Democrats Get Tough

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

There's a lot of crying out there! Looks like we were gnawing on the internet cable...

"I'm looking for a data plan that will be constantly out of service so I can tell my dates I didn't mean to ghost them."

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"Today, charges that Putin hacked Trump's tweets..."

War of Words

"Remember, we're not just making money. We're building prisons."

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

'So, I take it that diversity isn't a priority?'

Pizzas

Planet of the Ants

"Parts and labor?"

"May I say, sir, the staff and I just knew you'd see through that Beaujolais."

"This is my 'country house.' I also have a duplex in the city."

Leftie Trump

Middle Age - The Magazine For You - Yeah, You!

It's your replacement for 'Nimrod'!

"I thanked my teacher for teaching us so well and she fainted."