Suspecting Infidelity Gifts

"You may not like what I've dug out, but you did ask me to snoop into your husband!"

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"Hola! Tia Carmen's psychic hotline! Can I tell you where your lousy cheating boyfriend is right now?"

Gloria knows where you've been tonight, Lance. Apparently, that sandwich she made you for lunch contained salami, cheese, lettuce, tomato and a GPS tracker. !! !!

'We had the perfect marriage until we took the magazine quiz.'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

'Right, how can I help you?'

'What makes you think she's been laying around?'

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

"Your husband is fooling around."

'Now, I'm curious as to why there would be blonde hair in your hairball!'

I was in a menage a trois...until she ran off with our marriage guide counsellor!

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

'I followed your husband yesterday. He spent the whole day following you.'

"When he stopped to smell the flowers, his wife found out whose flowers they were!"

"You might want to take this. It's your wife."

Mort, you haven't dealt with your anger over Sadie's infidelity. Tell her how you feel. Okay. Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. You're a harlot and a tramp. Whatever. Mort, get some heart into it. Use your bullhorn. Harlot!!! Jerk!!! Good, feel the bitter recrimination.

"It doesn't look good. They asked for separate checks."

'I do still love you, Morton, but there's a subtext.'

'That's cute. You're a Virgo and I'm a vegetarian.'

'What she doesn't see in him is a mystery to me.'

"What you see, Monica, is a facade. Neat, huh?"

"My wife can't make it tonight, she's on a date."

"Your wife ran off with your best friend? Interesting... go with that."

'The first wives club'

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

"Never trust a man! Rupert told me he was vegetarian, but guess what I found in his pocket....spare ribs and roast beef!"