Surreal Parenthood Pillows

Was it just a dream?

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"She's been so creative lately."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

A midwife holding a baby

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Those are the names of your children? I went a different route...I memorized my kids' names."

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

Knight feeding his kids.

Rocking horse

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

'You must be very proud Daphne.'

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"When did she start crawling?"

A woman with a dog and a baby on a leash

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."