Supportive Parenting Enthusiast Pillows

'It's good, Timmy, but it's not refrigerator good.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Suffering from Cooties?

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Growth Charts

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

I love my family!

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Crying baby

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

Early childhood development

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Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

Lemming mothers

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

Snacks for Learners

"My first Father's day!"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

"May I remind you that my core worth as a human being remains constant, and isn't tied to external validation."

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?