Supportive Parent Enthusiast Pillows

"Yes, it is an impressive collection. I was just wondering if you have any trophies which aren't from your Mum."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"I will always cheer you on, but I will never 'Woo-hoo!' you."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Growth Charts

I love my family!

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

Early childhood development

Crying baby

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"I'm going crazy staring at the same four legs."

Baby, baby maker

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

7 Dwarves of Fatherhood

Lemming mothers

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"My first Father's day!"

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

Snacks for Learners

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?