Sunday Mornings Gifts

'This is an up and coming area. You may wish to shave before you buy the paper in future.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"My favorite way to start the day...coffee, danish, and a data dump."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"The bags under my eyes have combined to form some kind of face backpack."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

A child interrupting family prayers

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"I'm supposed to wake Jasper up at sunrise, but which pile of snow is he asleep under?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

Getting through the week.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"...and in conclusion..."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

Sermon Applause.

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.