Sunday Mornings Pillows

'This is an up and coming area. You may wish to shave before you buy the paper in future.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"My favorite way to start the day...coffee, danish, and a data dump."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"The bags under my eyes have combined to form some kind of face backpack."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

A child interrupting family prayers

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"I'm supposed to wake Jasper up at sunrise, but which pile of snow is he asleep under?"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

Getting through the week.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

How's my sermon. . .

Sermon Applause.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"...and in conclusion..."

"If I've timed this right, symptoms should start at exactly 9 a.m. Monday."