Suburbanites Gifts

"You know what I like about L.A.? We don't have to be interesting anymore."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

Superman flies Batman over a suburban neighborhood.

"The trees are laughing at us."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Tortured Plank

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

It was going to be a subdivision, but they ran out of snow. Chilly Hills Estates.

Skimming out star reflections

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

"Dad's home."

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"Quick! Get your gun, Pa! Here come the suburbs."

Autumn Leaves

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

Moving Van.

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

THE SMITHS/THE JOHNSONS