Suburbanite Gifts

"I was looking for my piece of the American Dream when I bought this truck...now I'm looking for a parking space."

No electioneering beyond this point.

Police Log from Suburbia Heights in Haiku Form

"Dad's home."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Did you remember to take the trash in?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

Mr Metrosexual.

"Who knew we had so many dislikes in common?"

Superman flies Batman over a suburban neighborhood.

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"The trees are laughing at us."

Through Traffic Keep Left/We're Through Traffic Keep Right

"What's wrong, girl? Trouble? Rachel can't decide which private school to attend?" "Upper West Side Lassie"

"I thought we'd eat out on the patio for a change."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Beware of the Lawn

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

Conan the Barbarian's brother- Charles the Civilized.

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"Maybe what's good for Wall Street isn't good for Main Street, but it's great for Tribeca."

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

Moving Van.

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."