Substance Satirist Gifts

Sir Earnest Rutherford splits the opium.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

Priest's 'To do' list.

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'I couldn't think of a science fair project so I just re-invented the wheel.'

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Up here, light is neither a particle nor a wave. It's a liquid."

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

Einstein develops his theories that time is relative while ordering at a fast food restaurant.

The Department of Mystery - No one really knows who we are or what we do, including us.

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'Still think nuclear testing is harmless?'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Publisher. "The Laws of Motion " is a little dry for a title, Mr. Newton. How about something catchier like "When Push Comes to Shove"?

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

"The blood test will take a couple of days, but I'm pretty sure it's just ketchup."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"And now, speaking against the theory of evolution..."

'Einstein's blackboard as he left it'

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

"They've got me doing cosmetics research."

"I'd like to have a word with you about this spirit animal."

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

The Ten Really Cool Facts

'Even More Disciples'

"That's Bob. He's a bit of a wing nut."