Substance Satirist T-Shirts

Sir Earnest Rutherford splits the opium.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

Priest's 'To do' list.

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'I couldn't think of a science fair project so I just re-invented the wheel.'

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"Up here, light is neither a particle nor a wave. It's a liquid."

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

The Department of Mystery - No one really knows who we are or what we do, including us.

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

'Still think nuclear testing is harmless?'

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"The blood test will take a couple of days, but I'm pretty sure it's just ketchup."

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

"And now, speaking against the theory of evolution..."

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

"They've got me doing cosmetics research."

"I'd like to have a word with you about this spirit animal."

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

The Ten Really Cool Facts

'Even More Disciples'

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

Evolution Of The Jet Ski