Substance Abuse Pillows

"How about knocking off the air quotes when you tell me how many drinks you have per day."

Detox Centers of the Rich

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

He was out in no time, with a new outlook and a clean slate.

"...I suggest we call it Greenspanium"

'David, I want you tested for steroids.'

Codependipity.

'I hope you can reform his addiction to computers!'

The Three Passive/Aggressive, Co-Enabling, Chemically-Dependent Billy Goats Gruff

Mt. Everest gifts.

"Medical Wine."

"I'm giving up giving up!"

Style and Substance.

I've got my antifreeze.

Vern left his weed on the couch again. Bad for Vern. Good for Scooter.

"My parents said they'd disown me if I ever took drugs...personally, I think it's the alcohol talking."

Tattoo Repo Men

"...No more black coffee!"

"I used to be a successful police drug dog, until I started snorting instead of sniffing."

Members of the city and state police, the federal prosecutor's office and an undercover agent pose behind a recently-seized, uncut ounce of prevention (street value: $500,000).

'I know! I know! But if I can beat chocolate, you can beat heroin!'

"It's obvious you're in d'Nile!"

Methodone actor - "I could have been a contender, but I seam to be having trouble remembering my lines."

"Say NO to drugs."

Experience Required

'The government is trying to upgrade our image.'

"It's a vicious circle! He quits smoking, gains 20 pounds, goes on a diet."

"This guy is such a poser even his boots have to be hip waders."

'Who's been eating my crystal meth?'

Lady about 'One Date at a Time' Bumpersticker: 'He's trying to stay sober, but he's still a lady's man.'

Just Say No To Drugs

'I'm trying to put my falling off the wagon behind me...'

Just say no...

"You've got no willpower."