Subscription Strategist Gifts

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'If content is king, why doesn't anybody want to pay for it.'

"Mr Frimley will see you now."

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

The Pill-of-the-Month Club!

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

"I prefer 'prostitute'. 'Media whore' implies that I'm not getting paid."

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

Wine of the Day Club

Supermarket Merge

'We now have 28 subscription cards in every issue, but we MUST HAVE MORE!'

'Retirement Training Program'"Very good, Larry! Just one more step and you'll have the entire aisle blocked!"

Artificial Isle

'Advanced warning: High cholesterol 10mtrs ahead.'

Protein Powder Irony

"Companies know too much about us, listen...'You've earned 500 points and it's time you got back in touch with your cousin Emma'!"

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'I've got one of those wobbly forwards trolleys!'

Women shopping with children in the trolley.

'Do you sell eggs? . . . I forgot to say that I have middle class guilt. . .'

Bank. 18 month CD 1.0815255645% Paying More digits than any other bank. Interest rates are so low! It's hard to believe this CD has reached maturity --- Just look at how little it's grown! Investing seems extremely risky these days. There's no safe place to get a decent return. They always say investing is a roller coaster. Yeah, but it's not true. On a roller coaster you get back to where you started!

Subpoena-of-the-Month Club

"That will be $109.85." "What! Sign says they’re $1.69 each." "Yes, and you have 65 of them."

Man with fake beard gets a package from the Beard of the Month club.

Stocktaker counts contents of baked-bean tins.

"Mummy! Can't we go to Tescos like everyone else?"

"Our marriage has been renewed for another season."

Houdini 2019

After our sun sheds the last of its energy and collapses in on itself... ...after the solar systems degraded, their planets flung out and consumed... And after those billions of stars in their billions of galaxies are all slowly snuffed out one by one... ...and after the last of the supermassive black holes evaporates... A single last question will remain, drifting through the long, cosmic dark... To renew your universe, please update your payment details.

"I subscribed to a collector's magazine! It has great interviews with big-time collectors who buy the world's rarest treasures."

'I vote we throw caution to the wind.'