Stress-busting Humorist Pillows

'Albert Figgis gets board backing.'

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Has the news finished yet?'

"Since I heard there was a monster I can't sleep at night!"

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

Why hamsters don't sleep at night.

"I'm starting to look old."

Struggling chef.

"We look for people who can quickly adapt to changes in the workplace."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

"One last request: move my car to the 11:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. Monday -Thursday side of the street for tomorrow."

"If anything happens, Janice, I love you."

"Staff shortages and increased workloads means all leave has been cancelled...but as compensation we are being offered enhanced toilet breaks!"

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

'I'm not asking you to lie - I'm just asking you to go insane.'

'To absent teeth.'

"Pushing sixty isn't the problem - it's pulling fifty-nine."

"On the other hand, if I die next week this isn't a midlife crisis."