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The Ballad of Wooly Pete

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Football Manager's Parrot

'The problem with granddad buying hotdogs is we have to hear how cheap they were when he was a kid.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"It's a cow thing. You wouldn't understand."

Wicca Heritage Centre: Hansel and Gretel stayed here.

Fairy Library - Cinderella Marries the Prince

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

Rapunzcow

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Once, I tried to change the laces, and the Landmarks Commission came down on me like a ton of bricks."

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

Fairy Library - Hop o' my Thumb Title Page

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

"One blackbird pizza?"

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

Alice in Wonderland - Alice Meets the Cheshire Cat.

Newborn making the V-sign

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

"I forgive you, Bumpty."

"And then the three bears were slowly forced out of the neighborhood due to major corporations cornering the market—The once cozy cottage is now an Air B&B." "The end."

Who's Dead

"When they assured me the solar panels would look like crackers, I said "What the hell!"'

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

'I can't believe this: We spend all our time hiding from humans, but they keep on publishing stories about us anyway...'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'