Story Avoider Gifts

"Now listen. During Dad's Day at school - no old stories about me, no nicknames, and absolutely no baby pictures!"

Where the Appalachian Trail Crosses the Path of Least Resistance

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

'And I love the part when he finds out that it was his brother all along!'

"Spoiler alert."

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

'Before you give us your surprise test, could we have a surprise study period?'

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"Tarzan no want computer."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"Let's see what's going on in the world."

"Shouldn't you be studying?

"I'll go on a cruise, but not if I'm forced to learn things."

Chatty, garlic-coffee breath, apathetic, contagious

'I'm going to prescribe for you to stay away from the news on TV and all social media!'

'On second thought, dear, could you toss me the car keys?'

"I want to vacation where we can look at something scenic from some place climate-controlled."

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

'Every single piece of homework handed in this morning - there couldn't have been much on TV last night!'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"Just this once, can we not talk about news or politics or money or family or relationships or children or friends or sex or religion or sports or culture or real estate or the past or the future?"

'I'd like to request flexible working to avoid my family.'

"Yes Dad! I can see the ground way way down below very clearly! It's not unrelated to my reluctance to try flying!"

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

'Oh, Goody, football - we'll be able to talk without feeling we're missing something.'

2016 Policlicks

The Occupy a Barstool Movement.

"So if you don't want to know the World Cup results look away now until July 16th."

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

"I just can't seem to get into the spirit of the thing."

"This is a great investment, as long as you're not in it for the thrills and chills."

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."