Store Comedian Pillows

'It all started off trying to save time,now its just to anoy everyone'

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Don't forget our 'Bargain basement', sir.'

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

Seven deadly sins store

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

"You can't beat the prices of these big box retailers."

'No, Johnny - first you punch the airholes, and then you put in the hamster!'

Great moments in shopping

If you don't see what you want, buy something you don't want!

"Let's see now; rat's gizzard, bats wings, eye of newt....oh, yes. And cornflakes!"

Free Range / Deranged

"We no longer shelve gay fiction separately. It's been assimilated."

"I had to let that new lad go, I caught him with his hand in the trill"

"Oh. The store is closed?"

''Have you got any cockroaches?"

"Instead of BOGOFS, I'm going to implement FUCOFS."

New: imitation spaghetti - Impasta.

"If you want something firmer, I suggest you try our flooring department."

Fresh milk - Self service

'Well isn't it ironic that we come all this way for fresh meat, and only stuff we find is deep-frozen?'

“Ever thought of changing your name?”

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

"Head office told our boss to speed up the checkout process...but he misinterpreted and sped up the conveyor belt instead."

The Shopped Elsewhere: 'They take their loyalty card scheme very seriously at this supermarket.'

Market items.

'The store was out of light bulbs, so I got lite beer instead.'

"My milk is gonna spoil if I stand here any longer."

'Are you over 18 stone?'

'Oh that's actually for here, not to go.'

He doesn't look sorry!