Stock Trading Gifts

'Was it Nietzsche who said, whatever doesn't kill your portfolio makes it stronger?'

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"The market was doing so well I decided not to hibernate this year."

Papa bear plays the stockmarket.

A two dollar stock sounds like a perfect investment...

Risk Management - ''Be careful' All you can tell me is 'be careful''

Welcome to 'Should've, Would've, Could've', the investment hindsight show.

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

Help! Sold Derivatives when I didn't even know what they were.

"Who's on duty today...you or me?"

Business of Finger-pointing

'The market moved higher today on rumors that the market would move higher today.'

'But the only way I can explain our derivatives and stock swaps is through interpretive dance!'

'I've got a great system. I just pick the same stocks Ed does.'

'...and then the DOW rallied six hundred points and the three bears felt like idiots...'

Bottle of pills labelled 'Global Recovery Capsules,' with 'Warning: May cause inflation, deflation, nausea, panic attacks. Use caution when mixing with optimism, stocks, bonds.'

"See - when interest rates go down, stocks go up. And when rates go up, stocks go down. Except when they don't."

"The main reason Bob trades on-line is his dumb mistakes remain anonymous."

"What's the current dividend yield of IBM?..."

Exercised my stock options but am unable to access my wealth for another 6 months

'Excellent! Our tests confirm that the average shareholder falls asleep by page 9 of the 10-K. Place the notice of the IRS audit on page 10.'

"Blame the messenger."

'I'm giving you a standing order to sell all my stock the day before the market crashes.'

'You have a balanced investment portfolio. Everything you own is losing money equally.'

'For Christmas, I'd like a nice 'Santa Claus Rally'.'

'In here, insider trading has a whole new meaning.'

'Honey! Great news! There's a new ETF!'

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'I think it's a good investment if it can stay under the S.E.C.'s radar.'

"How can a fund that's loosing us money call itself socially responsible?"

'There is no evidence use of steroids by fund managers will improve profits.'

'Today the market fell because Bernanke said the word 'down' more than once in a speech.'

Investor alternates between hating and loving gold, depending on the stock market's performance.

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

"Do you swear to calm the jittery financial markets, all the jittery financial markets and nothing but the jittery financial markets, so help you God?"