Stock Trader Gifts

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"My favorite time of year is earnings season."

'I can get the latest market news from the New York stock exchange.'

Help! Sold Derivatives when I didn't even know what they were.

"I've learnt not to worry."

'Yes, I used to trade stocks, but I found it too risky.'

"Hello, son. I suppose chicken farming doesn't seem so bad now."

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

'What I really miss is being able to blame my broker.'

'Don't tell me how much you love me. Tell me how my stock is going.'

'This can't be insider trading - check out my tan.'

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

'Stocks declined on news that everyone is playing online poker instead of playing the stock market.'

'Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. but teach him to trade stocks online and . . . uh . . . where was I going with this?'

"How can a fund that's loosing us money call itself socially responsible?"

"I see they've cut interest rates again."

'My broker uses it to trade hot stocks.'

'These latest figure are encouraging...'

In case of falling stocks, break glass (bottle of gin).

Stock market news.

"How's the market, bullish or bearish?" "Rubbish."

'Okay, Mr. Williams, let's go face the shareholders.'

'Tech stocks soared on news of the high number of employees who play computer games at work...'

Market analyst at the Circus

"Our guest today is Santa Claus, who will tell us never to stop believing in Santa Claus rallies."

"Today treasuries were down on news that bitcoin futures were up."

"Buy gold."

"Stocks closed higher on news someone at the Federal Reserve was quoted as saying 'What, me worry?'"

'But on the plus side, I felt better about owning a SUV as soon as I bought some oil stocks.'

"Your 'old money' not making you happy? How about trading in Bitcoin Futures?"

Pound sign in an hourglass.

'Daddy, how do you spell "insider trading"?'

Steel Works - 'How the devil did all this go down 7 3/8 today?'

Speculators

"Thank goodness I was getting my share prices confused with my resting heart rate."