Stock Market Satire Appreciator Gifts

"Of course you have a balanced portfolio, Ms. Osroid. Your big pharma stocks are 50% downers and 50% uppers."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

"Steamed vegetables."

'Oh Hi!'

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

Russia Money Laundering

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"Amateurs."

The Greek Trampoline

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Noah's Ark/Single's Cruise

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Got stuck in Iraqi oil, Unca Sam?

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."